A/N: Images displayed on this birthday post are not mine–Thank Goddess for Tumblr, Imagebam & Pinterest. No copyright infringement intended. Click the image to link directly to its origins. Musical inspirations listed at the bottom of post. To open the playlist in a new window, click here—> http://pl.st/p/20984139787 Posts are usually pre-read by a luminous team of Rebel Beauties, but tonight: It’s just me. These garbled ramblings in all their flaws and glories are mine, all mine.
Definition: Beautiful
~Merriam-Webster Dictionary, June 2010
Beautiful, adjective. Exciting sensuous or aesthetic pleasure. Applies to whatever excites the keenest of pleasure to the senses and stirs emotion.
Molly and Me
Did it start with Molly Ringwald? When I found myself at Borders Books (Rest in Peace), I hadn’t expected the Original Poster Girl for Awkward, Outsider Beauty to be there too. I was brand new to Twitter, and operating under my now-unused personal account KJN52. One of my very first tweets looked something like:
@kjn52 Molly Ringwald is here and I want to scream about Jake Ryan and that people’s “little brothers paid a buck to see your underwear!”
Obscure Sixteen Candles reference, my friends. If you haven’t seen John Hughes’ masterpiece about misfits and adolescent longing, then I have the opinion that you are suffering from staggering incompleteness. Please. Go. I sat at a cafe table in the corner of the book store and watched as Ms Ringwald read excerpts from her new book Getting The Pretty Back to a captive audience. While I wasn’t originally there for the book promotion, I could hang onto every word falling from Molly’s mouth from my perch at the edge of my chair. So Molly Ringwald was speaking about great things, important things. About how we can lose our sense of self, especially when surrounded by people and forces willing to take it for themselves, turn it into something else entirely. Says Molly: It’s up to us to define our paths. Foreshadowing the Other Anthology, Ms Ringwald? Prettiness, she reminds us, is a state of mind.
“…It’s the part of you that knows what you really want, that takes risks.”
Molly Ringwald did not know this at the time, but she in that moment, became my very first Featured Rebel Royal for what would become a ‘blog’, then an entity, and then a practice that would alter my life.
Of course, it was another Molly, my dear friend Molly, who could also be credited for sparking the Other Revolution. It was she, after all, who pulled me out of my house to the book store with her to pick up the sequel in a series she was not exactly forthcoming about. Molly: hipster, cool, brilliant… huddled next to the store’s display table, raptly staring at….
I watched, baffled, as Usually Poised Molly, slunk around the table, and snatched up a copy of a sleek, black book with the word moon across it’s spine.
“What are you doing, Molls?” I asked.
“I haven’t slept for over a day. I couldn’t put this damn book down. I must read more. MORE!” Molly gushed, her eyes darting around her.
Ok, my usually collected reserved girlfriend was literally trembling [withdrawals?], and so I grabbed the first book of the series, and promptly marched up to the counter to plunk down my money. I was scheduled for knee surgery a few days later. I was gonna need lots of entertainment for the weeks I was to be bed-ridden in recovery. Vampires? No problem. I have a long love affair with stories of the supernatural variety [I am an OG Vampire Diaries reader, plus a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan] and I simply had to experience the stories that transformed my friend into a shaking, stumbling Twilight fiend.
Suffice it to say: I didn’t sleep that night either. I really didn’t sleep the next four days. I sent my husband prowling the city at after hours book stores to pick up New Moon and Eclipse [Breaking Dawn hadn’t been published yet] for me, since I was supposed to stay in bed. You know.. knee surgery blah blah blaaaah. So I stayed in bed… and read… and researched, and googled…and stumbled upon comment sections, YouTube euphorias, discussion groups and MTV: Twilight Tuesdays.
Seven months later, in November 2008, my friend Molly was my date on opening day to the movie: Twilight
Goddess Bless the Mollies in my life.
An Awe-Inspiring Awful
I mentioned my weeks of post-surgery recovery in Spring of 2008. During that eight weeks in which I was off work and rehabilitating my knee, I discovered the Twilight books, I discovered the internet. Therefore, I discovered The Fandom. MTV’s Twilight Tuesdays sparked an intense fascination with the chemically combusting interactions between the absurdly aesthetic Kristen and Robert. I found fellow book readers who were excited about the release of the movie, who also noticed an unmistakable affection between the two lead actors cast to play Bella and Edward in the film. A hub [at the time] of seemingly positive discussion about all things Twilight revealed itself as a forum through E!Online: The Awful Truth. Take heed, friends. I don’t mention that place or it’s creator/ Captain Shit-Stirrer Casablanca… ever. But in celebration of Musings On Others’ third anniversary, I would be remiss to neglect acknowledging its origins.
See, The Awful Truth brought me to my CyberSisters & Readers five years ago. Among them my beloved Bouffant, Robkris13, gretel, and RainierSixPac. There are so many phenomenal women in my group–like the featured #Eeeby. Yes, the now defunct Awful introduced me to people whom are now some of my best friends. I speak with them every single day. They have held my hand in my most devastating moments, moments from which I am still recovering, that have occurred very recently. Friends I’ve made through this exasperating fandom represent intelligent, empowered, Creative Thinkers in the most awesome of ways. Most importantly, I discovered Muses and Royal Rebels who encourage and inspire. Over three years ago, I met the incomparable CynicallyConvy, brilliant author of KSIBTU, and her unbelievable band of warrior beauties including the insanely talented Buff, JHiggs and my lion-hearted sister Just2CUSmile.
By the beginning of 2009, I was pretty comfortable hanging with my CyberSisters (led by the trailblazing MarblePole) in our own discussion space, separate from Awful Truth, but still interacting online with delightful, articulate “regulars” who shared the same appreciation for Kristen Stewart, her ‘deliciously handsome’ partner in crime Robert Pattinson, and yes…Twilight. I flew under the radar for the most part. My decision to become involved, was as I noticed the alarmingly abominable attacks on Kristen Stewart in so many of those online forums. Especially baffling: those doling out the most vicious criticisms were people who did not even know Kristen. Bloggers, commenters, teenage girls home from school, their mothers with a bit of idle time–they, by far, unleashed the cruelest, most uninformed and illogical bouts of malevolence onto Ms Stewart, and I was struck speechless. I am usually anything but without words, guys, you know this about me .
An anger was unleashed upon Kristen, in an unfounded, unparalleled manner that in turn, compelled me. I had to do something.
How can I be an activist? Well… I learned that when I wrote things out, or spoke my rambling thoughts aloud, people listened and responded. One admirable trait about Captain Ignorant Casablanca at The Awful Truth: he will interact with those who send him questions, make provocative comments. I could give him a bit of credit in helping me find my voice. After wading through hundreds (hundreds!!) of anonymous or monikered commenters insulting Kristen’s hair follicles, smile [or lack of], shoes, fingernails and family members, I lamented with my girl Bouffant, and asked her how we can bring attention to and then curb (if not stop) the daily bashing on Awful.
My complaining resulted in a letter (pre-read by Bouffant in our first writing partnership) that I wrote to Mr Casablanca, asking him to reconsider the moderation of his comment section, so as not to enable the hatred and bullying. . . and he wrote back. He asked me to help him brainstorm how to do this. While Ted Casablanca really didn’t implement suggestions I gave, he at least encouraged proactivity on my part. He reminded me that I have my own little pocket of power. Words can be incredibly powerful…And Lawdy knows I have them in abundance.
Definition: Beautiful
~Urban Dictionary’s third most popular definition, June 2013
Beautiful, adjective. The description of anyone who is true to themselves.
“Honesty is beautiful.”
Middle School Mixups
I brought together a small task group. My Team Other Captains were elected. Bouffant, Buff, CC and the always impressive Goldeneye began receiving emails from me with fragments of ideas and anecdotes about misfitting and combatting hatred…and questions on downloading images and links. I looked to CC to be my expert guide as she had launched KSIBTU to such exuberant welcome, I knew she could at least nudge my stumbling feet in the right direction. I collected memories of my first few brushes with intolerance, unkindness…and rebellion. All in the name of creating a forum for patience, positivity and Rebellious Beauty, but in an authentic, personal way. A small army of Kristen Stewart defenders, yes, but really, it evolved into a gathering of rebellious misfits needing to speak up for all under-voiced, misrepresented people.
For us OTHERS.
I found myself remembering my first experience of “media” and the havoc it wreaks. I briefly mentioned a few incidents on my About KJ Page. Since the faceless, nameless one-sided attacks upon Kristen reminded me a little of middle school drama, let me tell you a little story.
Books fly with imaginations and dreams of the Mad Ones
I was thirteen years old and, like, totally with the love of my life, Joey. I had a unique look about me, I gathered that much, what with several complete strangers approaching me and commenting on my “exoticness”. I understood that I was somewhat surprising in my appearance compared to my family and peers as I’m a bi-racial girl, adopted by a family who had physical traits the polar opposite of mine. I tried to blend in quietly, and I thought I was doing it well. Anyway, I was in 8th grade of junior high. Dreamy Joey and I. Together. He was, no exaggeration, the best looking boy in the school. During our entire passionate-for-junior-high school relationship, other girls, including my peers and upper classwomen (!!!) tried to drive a wedge between us, to lure Joey away from my frizzy-haired, book-loving self.
It was the end of the year, and I found myself very flatteringly nominated for several end-of-year yearbook categories: Best Personality, Nicest smile, and one half of the school’s Cutest Couple. Ah yes. Our coupledom was nominated as The Best. K-JO was IN. THE.HOUUUUSE.
So listen up: I won all the categories for which I was nominated. However, an odd quandary at the yearbook printers led to a picture of my face floating below the title of CUTEST (equivalent of today’s SCHOOL HOTTIE) instead of BEST PERSONALITY (the title I really wanted) in the final, massively-distributed yearbook. I suddenly acquired the drive for self-preservation, for self defense.
People would whisper and verbalize their warring opinions about my status as CUTEST in the school as I would make my way to my locker, my frizzy hair shoved into a scrunchy. Yeah, I said it: In junior high, I wore scrunchies. Girls would gather in catty, feral groups in the hallways and literally point and loudly, not accidentally, exclaim: “SHEEEEEE is the PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE SCHOOL?” And then they would, of course, reference lovely, beautiful, desirable Joey. “…HOW is that ugly mess JOEY’S GIRLFRIEND? What is she, anyway?”
Yeah. Those fucking trolls were ripping me apart physically, based on a misprint in the biggest media sensation for the time [we’re talking pre-Facebook, folks], and because I had attention on myself already, with my beautiful boyfriend, I deserved the hate, as deemed by society [middle school student body]. It didn’t matter that I was an Honor Student, an accomplished musician and a noted Peer Counselor. These vultures insulted my hair. My clothes. The shape of my eyes.
Sadly, as you can witness at any given moment on Twitter, not much has changed. In fact, it seems worse, what with the world wide web and the increase in anonymous bullying. Middle school politics are being played out on Twitter timelines [or DMs nowadays] and in comment sections [my CyberSisters call them ‘Carol Anne’s Closet’ –ahhh Poltergeist] at this very moment. And while there may be some younger folks participating in the spewage…It has been proven that the loudest squawkers and vocally vile Kristen-Haters fall within the average age bracket of 39 years old. Grown-ass ‘adults’, mainly women, attacking the character and physical attributes of a-then eighteen year old girl. This couldn’t be a case of Middle School Mixups.
Molly was my First Featured Royal Rebel in a moment. And Kristen became my unquestioned Reigning Queen of Other.
The recall of my traumatic brush with public opinion and media misrepresentation combined with a fond retelling of my encounters with My MOLLIES… Musings On Other Queens, Kstew and Unconventional Beauty was born. Goldeneye helped me outline and shape my goals. Bouffant and CC pre-read the first drafts. Buff created the most beautiful background and banner for the site and for my Twitter account (also created June 3, 2010). And, well… Heeeeeeeeere’s, MOO.
Remember when CC told me to push ‘Publish’, Remember???
Definition: Other
~Merriam-Webster Dictionary, June 2013
Other, adjective. a: being the one (as of two or more) remaining or not included.
b: being the one or ones distinct from that or those first mentioned or implied.
c: not the same: different
Definition: Unconventional
~The Synonym Finder, 1986 First Edition
Unconventional, adjective. Uncommon, rare, unique, peculiar, uncustomary, unexampled, unparalleled, unexpected. Extra-ordinary.
The Heart Of The Matter
I had hoped to post this Birthday Edition MOO on Monday, June 3, the exact anniversary of its first publishing. Sleep deprivation and intense client work at The Magical Little Practice prompted me to wait a little longer . As it is, I feel very much so at peace with posting today, on Thursday, Musings’ regular posting day, and because the first essay ever also emerged on a Thursday.
Also, just this Tuesday, we learned that Kristen booked two new film projects, both independent dramas, both reflective of Kristen’s essentialness. Her Otherness. Her Royalty. Because truly, the heart of the matter is this: Kristen Stewart defines Beauty in her unapologetic defiance of anyone’s/everyone’s expectations, with her relentless insistence on protecting all (including whom) she deems precious, and in the thoughtful, measured choices she makes regarding her work, her self proclaimed love.
With the announcements of her new projects, the extreme wayward focus of the past few weeks, months, years, can finally center on Kristen’s craft.. . and for me, we can honor the beginning. And like Kristen, we can return to our roots.
Molly Ringwald reminded me that even awkward misfits can bring The Pretty Back. My Molly introduced me to Vegetarian Vampires and is proof that even typically collected & calm Cool Girls are susceptible to addiction to a wildly romantic notion. The Awful Truth blessed me with a plethora of obscenely articulate, intelligent wordsmiths, all who encouraged me to speak up, find the words, because there are so many Others who want the change. We Misfits, Unusuals, Unconventionals, and Defiant Ones don’t need or deserve ostracism because of our unique perspectives or philosophies. We deserve celebrations. Coronations, even.
A crown for my birthday celebration with the KSIBTU Crew
Today I pay homage to the sole reason for Musings’ conception: Identifying and exalting all the qualities that set us apart from anyone else. And one way to combat the destruction and exploitation of these unique abilities and assets…is to EMBRACE them.
Today is not the day for judgments, biased relationship advice, amateur psychological diagnoses, bids to become the “The Most Insidery”, or spectacularly dramatic paparazzi fanfiction. It is not the time for mass hysteria triggered by wild speculations from unproven informants. Today is for honoring our roots, honoring our Beauty Rebellion, and the Something we can DO. And this day is for saluting a courageous woman for moving onward, always, despite the vast challenges and countless detractors.
A woman who embodies all the qualities of Unconventional Beauty…
Reigning Other Queen: Kristen Stewart
Thank you, you beautiful Readers, Friends, Sisters, Brothers and OTHERS, for these extraordinary three years. It has been an absolute pleasure. You literally give me life. And Kristen? #OtherOn, your Highness. #OtherOn.
Molly is Other.
Kristen is Other.
Others return to their roots.
Others do their Something.
Embrace Your Other.
***
Playlist
Hero ~ Family of the Year
Stubborn Love ~ The Lumineers
Blue Skies ~ Noah and the Whale
***
musingsonotherqueens.wordpress.com 
Dearest Kj,
There will always be people who wants to tear us down in life. But you know what? All these ignorant people don’t matter. Their mean, derogating remarks doesn’t matter. Because:
We know the good always win the ugly, don’t they?
And guess what wins at the end of the day? Kristen Stewart and her humble, earnest personality and authenticity. In your word: her ‘otherness’, and quirky qualities that make her stand out as a human being. And these traits, THESE TRAITS, are human. Regardless of uncommon it is to find such qualities in celebrities these days- yet they exist in this extraordinary girl that is Kristen Stewart.
The rise of celebrities like Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and some others is that anyone who becomes famous- people instantly associate them with fame, looks, money and assumes they are lower than the average person on the street. They had forgotten that they too- albeit being the most sort-after celebrities in Tinseltown; underneath that dust of spotlight- they’re just two normal people, like us.
“”People have decided how they’re going to perceive her.”- Rob.””
Yes- People are going to decide the way they want to perceive her. People are going to decide the way they want to segregate and bring us down. But these people? They will never, ever MATTER.
The only people who really matters is Kristen Stewart, you, me, and the other people who sees, understands and can relate to her as a human being.
Much love and best regards,
Claire.
As someone who finds Kristen beautiful……I find it disappointing when I see Kristen fans utilizing Kristen pictures that are shopped with blusher/lipstick and or fake eyelashes. Especially since how she looks without those unnecessary adages is naturally gorgeous.
For example: that profile picture of musings’ facebook page. It is fake looking because I’m sure Kristen didn’t have blood red lipstick on when she rocked that awesome dress.
I get it when people tinker with the color saturation of a Kristen picture to add an effect but the adding of make-up to her naturally pretty face rubs me the wrong way. Why isn’t her without those added/shopped make-up enough?
How nice to find lovely words about Kristen. It reminds me that Kristen is a person with all the blessings and angst that a person contains. Happy Birthday wishes.
Maybe it would be a better idea to look for confidence and worth in someone other than a celebrity. I don’t know why people put so much passion and focus on celebrities. You are beautiful and special because you were born. You don’t need another celebrity acting a certain way or saying certain things to make you believe that you are beautiful.
And spending time on something other than policing comments for a person you’re probably never going to meet, someone that is just another person, would probably help boost confidence as well. The celebrities aren’t going to know what you did, and it doesn’t really affect your own life. Get out and do something that directly affects your own life. It will change everything.
How do you know that the moderator of this blog doesn’t go out and do something for her life? You do not know her and never will, and just so you know while you are passing judgment behind your computer, the moderator of this blog helps people every day, is one of the most kind and inspiring women I have ever met and every time a major disaster happens in the country the Red Cross deploys her to help victims deal with the aftermath, like when she was deployed to Joplin MO after the devastating tornado hit. Maybe you helped sending a minimal donation, like I did, but when everybody was fleeing the area, the “message board police” like you refer to her, flew towards it.
I am sure you must be rethinking your words now and unlike the moderator who only has praise and positive things to say about these celebrities, you say that they will never know what she did, well how do you know what her intentions in the first place were. For not knowing the moderator you sure are passing a lot of judgment in this post.
I’ve read all of your words to date – but these were my favorite.
Perhaps these are my favorite words as well. Thank you so much, Dove. I am incoherently touched by your kind words. ~kj
Congrats on three years first of all.
So.. Molly, Buffy, K and *gasp* Ted huh ?…I have a history with them too.
As a child of the 80s, Molly was my first OTHER. As for Buffy, it was so much more than vampires and slayers, girl power, strong characters, taboo themes. It was the start of the fabulous career of a nerd god who I so hope works with K someday.
As for Ted, he was one of the first ones I remember that used the internet for gossip. I first followed him when he had a weekly column with no TV presence and that channel itself was small with cheesy sets. It was just something to laugh at, especially BVs. I don’t think the early columns had any comments. But then again, the web was in it’s infancy and it was something I looked at on weekends, with dial up it was not much fun. I have the dubious distinction of following Perez from the time he was Page 666. I have always loved movies and in my mind, this was part of the process.
Though I sound like a dinosaur, I am only in my 30s. I first started seeing Ted’s column going down the tube at the height of Brangelina, had to leave then. Came back and then left for good around 09. I call myself a reformed gossip because Ted and Perez who seemed benign and harmless started to put a bad taste in my mouth because they sat back and flamed negativity to get hits and grow an audience. It happened at the corporate level with Ted and individual level with Perez.
Comments are always fascinating and horrifying to read anywhere in the web. Are people more vicious because of the anonymity and the web has just uncovered it ? Is the availability of technology to blame ? Are leading stories desperate to get hits to blame ? But without that technology I would not have ‘met’ people around the world. So I guess in the end it is how we use it like anything else.
What I love about this whole column is that you DID something about the negativity by starting this space. That does make a difference.
As for the average age of women in their 30s criticizing K, I ‘know’ women in their 30s and older from all around the world, both hemispheres, who do appreciate K for being who she is. I only have anecdotal evidence, but it is there. There is a lot of positive too like this blog of yours and I don’t ever want to forget that though the negative is loud.
KJ
first of all congrats on three years of wise words for those of us that are “Other”! I’m so honored to be included in a very small way in this special edition and also to have your friendship my dear S4!
returning to our roots is a powerful experience…it lets us step back to remember who we are and see where we’ve been so we can move forward again with new determination – in the native American culture this is known as being on the Lightning Bolt path. the lightning bolt shape is jagged and thus symbolic of taking a step back in order to step forward again.
it also reminds me of the song The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert http://youtu.be/DQYNM6SjD_o – a very touching song and I listen to it when I am experiencing life’s challenges so I can remember all the many blessings in my life right now.
Im always impressed by Kristen’s strength. she never wavers in her ability to ignore the haters and groups that are determined to spread lies and hate…she knows “others” will not believe them. I trust karma to settle up with all of these individuals one day. May I also just say I believe Kristen and Rob are on the Lightning Bolt path right now ( ◠‿◠)
looking forward to seeing you sooooon!!!!
I remember the first time i read your soaring, inspiring words. And immediately went back and read every syllable you had posted here. You have remained true to yourself, true to Otherness, true to our beloved Rebel Queen. I think that is the word i identify with you most: True. You are true in the sense of loyalty and you speak the truth in the face of hostility and bigotry. Sincere congratulations on your first three years and my hope for many more. We need you.
Time and time again, I find myself in awe and in comfort of your words, wisdom and insight. Thank you for not only defending Kristen’s otherness, but your’s, ours’ as well.
comfort for me, is when lovely folks like you continue to return and partake in Othering and Musing and celebrating with me. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for supporting and defending Kristen’s, mine and your Other as well. <33
Bea-u-ti-ful post my friend.. and I love what Demi said above… giving people courage. Even if in their own minds, to fly their ‘other’ flag.. what a gift you give people.
You kinda freaked me out with how long we’ve all been together… thank you so much for making all this about more than the books (which, you know, I love with epic proportion), the AT, Twitter, etc etc etc… adding the people into the mix.. all the REALLY great people. mwah!
REALLY great people, my dearest. Thank you for your constant encouragement and support. This post was particularly …sensitive for me to write. I stopped to weep a couple times. Such amazing memories. More to come. More to come. ❤
3 years?….no way….it’s moved so fast…..twisting and turning and changing….just the way it should be…and now Kai you have brought the pretty back…..thank you….for your pretty words for the last 3 years here and in our cyber *hood*…..so many more *words* to come.
Bringing The Pretty Back feels like coming home. Thank you Nai for your kind support and always perfect summation. I share your opinion: Much MORE to come. ❤
Thank you thank you thank you!!! First of all, a brand spankin new MOO on my birthday!!! Best present I received today! ( Well except the love notes and flowers from my class of 4th graders!) It is so amazing to find a place to celebrate love, compassion, and the urge to speak, write, and exist as unconventional. To feel as if we are okay, even if we don’t fit inside society’s box. When we band together, we are something bigger and more powerful than we are alone. This is why I ❤ Kristen Stewart and her truth to herself and the world.
KJ-thank you again, may your days be filled with peace, laughter, joy, and light!
Long live other!
🙂 Jen
First: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I was thinking about you today, about 6/6 being your day. I hope it was wonderful…love notes ad flowers from fourth graders sounds so divine! Secondly: Your responses are ALWAYS so eloquent and uplifting. I appreciate the time you take to thoughtfully, courageously share glimpses of your process with me, us. We are ok. With Kristen as ambassador, we have a bright path ahead as well. Love and light and birthday wishes to you, Jen! ❤ Yours, KJ
Thank you! I don’t think of myself as eloquent, but it’s nice to be called so. Thank you so very much for the birthday wishes, it was a good day. 4th graders, are in fact, divine, at times, especially on the last week if school.
Thank you for always inspiring my own ramblings!
Keep on keeping on!
I can’t believe it has been 3 years, this post was so personal and revealing, I don’t think I ever heard your story about you and Joey, you have walked literally in Kristen’s shoes, being ostracized for having the object of affection of others, but as you eloquently pointed out, they were 13 years old not 39+ Beautiful post my friend, keep on writing, keep being you, because you are beautiful in every way
You are the absolutely beautiful one, my Pai, and one of my dearest friends. You’ve stayed with me through the darkest of times and remained encouraging and loving every step of the way. Because MOO stems from a very personal place, it felt right to pay homage to these early experiences and brief, but important moments of Otherness. Thank you for all that you are and do. ily.
Congrats on your three years. I’ve been reading your blog for about a little over a year now, and I just want to say THANK YOU. Your words/musings are a thing of magic because not only do you give people hope and courage but your words root themselves into people’s hearts and minds and they make you want to be a better person, they make me want to be a better person. So thank you, and I look forward to reading more musings in the future.
these are the nicest words I’ve read! You are so kind and inspiring yourself. Thank YOU for sharing a little of your hope and courage–it truly feeds my soul. ❤